Steve Ballmer

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Steve Ballmer

Steve "Sweaty Balls" Ballmer (born March 24th, 1956) is the former CEO of Microsoft and the God Emperor of /g/. Years after leaving Microsoft for the LA Clippers, some based anon awoke him from his slumber and he has since become a regular feature of shitposts on /g/. He appears in the /g/ sticky alongside Satania, Richard Stallman, and Terry Davis.


An avid honey enthusiast and self-proclaimed king of developers, his continued presence on /g/ regularily induces seething in the clueless freetards who post there.
  • "Developers, developers, developers, developers."
  • (after throwing a chair at the wall) "Fucking Eric Schmidt is a fucking pussy! I'm going to fucking bury that guy! I have done it before and I will do it again. I'm going to fucking kill Google."
  • "I have never, honestly, thrown a chair in my life."
  • "There's no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance."
  • (referring to the iPhone) "500 dollars? Fully subsidized? With a plan? I said that is the most expensive phone in the world. And it doesn't appeal to business customers because it doesn't have a keyboard. Which makes it not a very good email machine."
  • "Linux is a cancer that attaches itself in an intellectual property sense to everything it touches."
  • "How much do you think this advanced operating environment is worth? Wait just one minute before you answer! Watch as Windows integrates Lotus 1-2-3 with Miami Vice! Now we can take this Ferrari and paste it right into Windows Write. Now how much do you think Microsoft Windows is worth? Don't answer. Wait until you see Windows Write and Windows Paint, and listen to what else you get at no extra charge! The MS-DOS Executive, an appointment calendar, a card file, a notepad, a clock, a control panel, a terminal, a print spool, a RAM driver, and can you believe it? Reversi! That's right, all these features and Reversi, all for just: how much did you guess? Five hundred, a thousand, even more? No, it's just 99 dollars! That's right! It's 99 dollars, it's an incredible value but it's true! It's Windows from Microsoft! Order today! P.O. Box 286-DOS; except in Nebraska!"


Here's the thing about Ballmer. The man had some serious pipes. He had a 4 octave range and he excelled in any octave. He wrote brilliant speeches. And his stage presence was only matched by Adolf Hitler. Seriously, watch them address developers at a conference then watch a video of the Nuremburg rallies. We had better thank our lucky stars Ballmer didn't go into politics or he would have taken over the world. But Microsoft as a whole had a brilliant dynamic. It wasn't just the Ballmer backup company. They all made huge creative contributions to what made Microsoft what it is. Yes, Ballmer released Windows XP, Vista, and 7, but Bill Gates released Windows NT, 3.1, and 98, Satya Nadella released Windows 10. Other companies like Apple for instance were not like that. Apple was basically just the Steve Jobs backup company. Microsoft was this perfect storm of legendary talent, and Ballmer was the face of it all, the delicious cherry on top of an already delicious sundae. He was the ambassador that allowed the amazing talent of combo that was Microsoft to be brought into our lives. He was the prism that focused the lazer beams from the brains of Bill and Satya, and amplified them until they were powerful enough to blow our minds out through our ear holes. Yes, he was the most incredible CEO who ever lived, hands down.